The freight train and the Substack: My writer origin story

The breakdown that changed everything.

Within moments, a freight train of realisation hit me: I had sleepwalked myself into a life that wasn’t mine. And I’d completely lost myself in it.

This post features the breakdown/breakthrough story I shared in this week’s episode of The Bold Brave Woman Project. Listen to the full story here.

When we are younger, our eyes and hearts are full of dreams.

We look around and wonder who we will be when we are older. What we will do. And we slip, quietly and quickly, onto the trajectory of becoming a successful adult.

Until we don’t.

Two months ago, sitting in a room full of ambitious and highly driven entrepreneurs, I was faced with a moment of truth. A freight train of realisation hit me.

I realised for the very first time that I had sleepwalked into a life that wasn’t mine. And I’d completely lost myself in it.

Micro-decision after micro-decision, I’d slowly put value on the wrong things. Made myself chase the careers I chased to feel successful. And become a version of myself that worked in the part of society I desperately wanted to be in.

Silently and slowly, I had become so contorted that I didn’t know who was sitting in that room.

And it was heavy.

It was like being on fire, and desperately needing to be put out. Floating desperately in the unknown with no compass. All while fancy canapes were handed around.

I managed to make it through the event, but as soon as I made it back to my AirBNB, I completely broke down.

Endless thoughts looped: If not this life, then what? If I’m not her, then who am I?

The void opened up and swallowed me whole. And I cried for what felt like a loss. The dying of my old self.

I was finally awake to all of the willing micro-decisions that had led me here. The acceptance of things that I had convinced myself I wanted.

But through this cracking open, I’d also been handed a beautiful clean slate. An exfoliation.

As the post-event weeks passed, I started to realise that the life that I actually craved was softer. Deeper. And filled with new experiences, photography and words.

This breakdown and break apart and dark night of the soul - it was for me. It was divinely guided and divinely sought. And a life that had not felt possible, or even desirable, was now all I could think about.

Listen to the full story in Episode 3 of The Bold Brave Woman Project.

Even though I didn’t know what I wanted to do, I knew that the first door to pass through was the self-permission to try something new. To write. To be drenched in the world of words (and photos, but more on that later) and revisit my childhood writer - the storyteller who loved to share her worldly discoveries.

I was ready to revisit the possibility of a creative life. And suddenly, as if by magic, my everyday interactions, my IG feed, and my conversations started to fill with creative ideas, poetry and links to beautiful writings.

I then discovered Threads and became immediately immersed in streams of powerfully honest musings, moments and rememberings.

I started to expand: Was it possible to thrive in a world of words? Was it possible to live a meaningful (and finanically free) life as a creative? Was it possible to finally shed the cage I’d built all by myself?

Finally, slowly, I started to see more of myself.

Then, a few clicks later, I landed in the incredible world of Bianca Morra’s Sacred Seeing Substack (my gorgeous friend - if you haven’t seen her photography or read her words, you can find here here). And instantly, my whole world changed.

Photography and words and happiness started to feel real.

Whilst who I wanted to be was still divinely shaping itself, I knew this was a space that would help me uncover more of who I really am.

So here I am. Raw. Open.

With a new Substack account and an eternity of characters ready to be shaped into deep expressions.

And so much gratitude for that incredible freight train.

I can’t wait to see what come next.

Love, always.

Andrea xo

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The Bold Brave Woman Project is now available on all podcast platforms.

This post was inspired by my honest telling of my recent breakdown/breakthrough in Episode 3. Listen to it here.

If you want to connect on the latest news, or send me a message, you can here:
Threads: @andi.matthies
IG: @andi.matthies

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